A LIST

So, here's what's up:

1. I'm debilitatingly depressed and unmotivated to do anything. I fight against this as hard as I can, but your will only has so much power over your physiology.

2. My Grandma has been trying to see me since my B-Day (which was in June) and I have yet to see her. This is due mostly to bullshit reasons: Having to work (for chump change) everytime she's free to see me, being too busy with school to even have a free day, not having the money to go see her, my car being unreliable, and so on (it's a similar story with seeing my Mom ,and seeing my Dad). It's all just crap that prevents me from doing such things. Now she was in the hospital and just came home, but I'm too sick to even see her. I didn't even know she was having surgery until it was over and she was on her way home--nobody informs me until after the fact.

3. I'm so sick I can't even concentrate enough to study. Students don't get sick days. The classes keep going, the material keeps coming and the deadlines are not put on hold.

4. My Mom's dog, Bubba, a really cool and mellow Rottweiler, died on her B-Day (which was last Weds.). My Mom and her husband loved that dog so much; he was family for her. My mom has been so distraught over this. She's so lonely without him. She and her husband need the caregiving that their dog provided. Bubba brought much comfort, meaning, and happiness to their lives. Now the house is empty and they are sad. I'm sad too.

5. The pressures of being a grad student are really weighing on me. Competing with the other grad students is not a problem. It's holding myself to the standards of my Profs. that is hard. I need to always be reasearching and attempting to publish or present papers at colloquia. Occasionally a prof. will have a draft of a paper they're wrking on, or a paper that they are trying to get published that is under reveiw, and they'll ask me to read it and give them feedback in the form of clarifications and/or objections. I read some of this stuff and it's very good and interesting work. I do the best I can to come up with objections and I just think my stuff is lame. (All my papers are lame too.) But doing this while taking a full load of classes and working is very hard. I want to be excellent at what I do and I feel like I never can be.

6. It has been months since I've seen my friend Tim and his wife and kids.

7. I'm hoping to see Steve and Carlos in a few weeks. Steve will be coming to California and he'll visit me and then I'm hoping to go with him to see Carlos in Apple Valley. I'm also hoping in that time to go to Los Angeles to see my buddy Adam.